Marissa Lasoff-Santos and the person she would marry quickly fell head over heels in love.
Lasoff-Santos was a gay woman. Her girlfriend was a bisexual woman 含羞草研究社� or so they thought. Now her partner has become her husband, and they both identify as queer. And things are better than ever.
含羞草研究社淲e含羞草研究社檝e always just had this deep connection, so that含羞草研究社檚 why, like, I never stopped loving him throughout any of this,含羞草研究社� says Lasoff-Santos, a 33-year-old librarian in Michigan. 含羞草研究社淚含羞草研究社檝e become more attracted to him. I guess part of it is just, like, that confidence in him and, like, he just seems so happy.含羞草研究社�
Lasoff-Santos含羞草研究社� relationship and others like it show that a partner含羞草研究社檚 gender transition does not necessarily mean a death sentence for a marriage. Data is scant, but couples and therapists say that in many cases, a relationship grows and flourishes under the light of new honesty.
Such marriages, when they do prevail, can underscore the resilience of love, the flexibility of sexual identity and the diversity in 20 years after the in the U.S. and with in its sixth decade.
含羞草研究社淓ven though he was the one transitioning, I felt like I was going through my own transition,含羞草研究社� Lasoff-Santos says. 含羞草研究社淚t was definitely hard to not, I guess, come across as kind of selfish, because I was going through all these emotions, and he was going through his own journey.含羞草研究社�
Kristie Overstreet, a sexologist and psychotherapist who says she has worked with trans people for 18 years, says about 2 in 5 relationships survive a transition. And Kelly Wise, a sex therapist in Pennsylvania, estimates that about half of relationships in his practice that experience a gender transition end 含羞草研究社� for many reasons.
含羞草研究社淕ender identity milestones often arise around times that many things are evolving within people and their relationships,含羞草研究社� Wise says in an email.
A recent U.S. Census Bureau doesn含羞草研究社檛 reflect marriages in transition because the bureau doesn含羞草研究社檛 about gender identity.
Avril Clark operates Distinction Support, an online network that helps supportive partners of trans and nonbinary people. Her spouse, a soccer referee at the time, came out as transgender in 2018, changed her name to Lucy and brought the couple Before then, Avril says, they had kept their arrangement private and 含羞草研究社渓ived a double life含羞草研究社� for 15 years.
含羞草研究社淚 needed somebody to talk to that knew how I was feeling,含羞草研究社� Avril says. 含羞草研究社淎nd I looked around, and there weren含羞草研究社檛 any groups that were for me. They were full of people that were very angry and bitter and didn含羞草研究社檛 want anybody else含羞草研究社檚 relationship to work because their relationship hadn含羞草研究社檛 worked.含羞草研究社�
Lucy Clark says Avril had been pressing her to come out for years, 含羞草研究社渂ut I didn含羞草研究社檛 because I thought it would affect football. And I loved football and had it in my mind that I would give it up.含羞草研究社� She didn含羞草研究社檛, and she now manages Sutton United Women in south London.
Avril Clark says that when she took over Distinction in 2017, it had about 50 members worldwide, but now there are 含羞草研究社渨ay over 500.含羞草研究社�
含羞草研究社淚含羞草研究社檝e got this group with all these people on it, all fighting, some of them fighting to make their relationship work,含羞草研究社� she says.
The Reddit group r/mypartneristrans, which describes itself as 含羞草研究社渁 supportive, educational, and safe space for the partners of trans and gender-diverse people,含羞草研究社� counts 61,000 members.
Topics include questions about how to handle Mother含羞草研究社檚 Day and Father含羞草研究社檚 Day; unwelcoming relatives; sex and pregnancy; and how to categorize a cisgender partner含羞草研究社檚 sexual orientation. In other words, now that I含羞草研究社檓 a woman married to a woman, does that make me a lesbian?
Clark says some people call themselves 含羞草研究社渉eteroflexible.含羞草研究社�
含羞草研究社淚t doesn含羞草研究社檛 mean 含羞草研究社業 am a lesbian含羞草研究社� or 含羞草研究社業含羞草研究社檓 a gay person,含羞草研究社櫤卟菅芯可鐫 she says. 含羞草研究社淚t just means, 含羞草研究社楩or this one person I am prepared to be flexible.含羞草研究社櫤卟菅芯可鐫
She estimates her group is 90% cisgender women and 5% transgender or who may also have a partner in transition. The remaining 5% are cisgender husbands, she says.
For people already in a same-sex relationship, a partner含羞草研究社檚 gender transition can bring angst but also self-discovery.
Lasoff-Santos says she had previously wondered if she could ever be married to a man. 含羞草研究社淎nd I always said no. And I think it含羞草研究社檚 hilarious just now that I am.含羞草研究社�
Couples in transition find different ways to address life from 含羞草研究社渂efore含羞草研究社� 含羞草研究社� trips, memories, weddings, anniversaries, family events, photos.
含羞草研究社淭he partner that isn含羞草研究社檛 transitioning may want to display and still share all of these versus their partner who may not want these visible or talked about,含羞草研究社� Overstreet says in an email.
Lasoff-Santos and her husband married in 2018 as he was beginning his transition. They had a son in 2021. When her husband shows their son pictures of himself pre-transition, it含羞草研究社檚 just 含羞草研究社淧apa with long hair,含羞草研究社� Lasoff-Santos says.
One partner may sense a shift the other does not. Emily Wilkinson, 33, who lives near Seattle, says she doesn含羞草研究社檛 doubt 含羞草研究社渢hat I love Cameron and will continue to love Cameron.含羞草研究社� But her vision of their love has changed since her spouse began transitioning last year.
For Cameron, 39, 含羞草研究社淥ur love doesn含羞草研究社檛 feel any different to me, but I含羞草研究社檓 not the one who has to adjust in our relationship.含羞草研究社� They spoke on the condition that their last name not be used to avoid potential consequences at work, where they are not out.
There can be joy in coaching a partner in their new identity.
Rhiannon Rippke-Koch, 45, lives in a small city in Iowa with Sophia Koch, her recently transitioned wife of the same age. She recalls the first time Sophia got to be herself for a whole weekend, during a trip to Des Moines.
含羞草研究社淚 took her to Victoria含羞草研究社檚 Secret and had them measure her for a bra,含羞草研究社� Rippke-Koch says. 含羞草研究社淎nd I took her to Sephora, and they did, you know, the whole makeup thing where, you know, with color palettes, and showed her how to do her eyeshadow and foundation and all that sort of stuff. So 含羞草研究社敽卟菅芯可鐫
含羞草研究社淚t was awesome,含羞草研究社� Sophia finishes, beaming.
The couple also bond over experiences Sophia previously denied herself because of notions about masculinity 含羞草研究社� musicals, flowers. Rhiannon says they含羞草研究社檙e now 含羞草研究社渕uch more intimate, and not even in a sexual way. But we talk about things more. We have more things in common now than we did before.含羞草研究社�
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